Regret & Redemption

Hi guys. This post took some courage for me to muster up and share with you all where I am emotionally and mentally. I normally don’t share things like this even with friends and family, but I thought it was only right to do so on here, where I feel safe to do so with yall in a space where I have to share all things art and music. Thank you in advance to those who are reading until the end, much much love.

As a little girl, I had always dreamed of being on American Idol.
I didn’t think anything was more beautiful than singing your heart out on stage in front of people. For me at a young age, I knew singing made me truly happy.
It saddens me that I slowly gave up on that dream as a I got older… for several reasons. Thinking that I was not good enough, I had zero talent, my voice not sounding the same since I had gotten throat surgery at 13, having no family support. I recall people saying that I had a mature voice for my age, but I did not fully believe in myself and didn’t put in the time, effort, and practice I knew I needed to do. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, simply in just singing. The biggest regret I have is not having faith in myself as much as I should have. To not focusing my anger and energy into what I knew made me the happiest, singing. I remember people asking me the big question when I was younger, “What do you want to do when you grow up”. I remember my immediate answer always being “I want to be a singer” but I never the had the guts to verbalize those words. I would just stay quiet, hoping the answer “I don’t know” would suffice so I wouldn’t have to think about that question, and carry on a conversation I was afraid to have. If that makes any sense. Instead, I coped by indulging myself in my studies.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to never give up on a dream. To like myself enough to literally give zero fucks about what people think, because risking your own happiness at the expense of other people’s opinion was the most dumbest thing I could really do at the time… but at the same time, I don’t think my circumstances at the time would’ve allowed me to fully do what I truly wanted to do. But I am older and a bit wiser now, and have freedom I didn’t have when I was younger. I am on my own, and to me that’s all I need, that’s all I need since it’s all I ever had. I guess that’s part of the reason why I created this blog, to somewhat redeem myself and rediscover my love for music in a new way. Here’s another video that gives me major throwback and reminds me of why I love music in the first place. I remember studying Nat King Cole in 5th grade and I was mesmerized by the song “Unforgettable”. This is a performance by Jasmine Trias singing “Unforgettable” who appeared on American Idol. Hope ya’ll enjoy.

 

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