Regret & Redemption

Hi guys. This post took some courage for me to muster up and share with you all where I am emotionally and mentally. I normally don’t share things like this even with friends and family, but I thought it was only right to do so on here, where I feel safe to do so with yall in a space where I have to share all things art and music. Thank you in advance to those who are reading until the end, much much love.

As a little girl, I had always dreamed of being on American Idol.
I didn’t think anything was more beautiful than singing your heart out on stage in front of people. For me at a young age, I knew singing made me truly happy.
It saddens me that I slowly gave up on that dream as a I got older… for several reasons. Thinking that I was not good enough, I had zero talent, my voice not sounding the same since I had gotten throat surgery at 13, having no family support. I recall people saying that I had a mature voice for my age, but I did not fully believe in myself and didn’t put in the time, effort, and practice I knew I needed to do. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, simply in just singing. The biggest regret I have is not having faith in myself as much as I should have. To not focusing my anger and energy into what I knew made me the happiest, singing. I remember people asking me the big question when I was younger, “What do you want to do when you grow up”. I remember my immediate answer always being “I want to be a singer” but I never the had the guts to verbalize those words. I would just stay quiet, hoping the answer “I don’t know” would suffice so I wouldn’t have to think about that question, and carry on a conversation I was afraid to have. If that makes any sense. Instead, I coped by indulging myself in my studies.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to never give up on a dream. To like myself enough to literally give zero fucks about what people think, because risking your own happiness at the expense of other people’s opinion was the most dumbest thing I could really do at the time… but at the same time, I don’t think my circumstances at the time would’ve allowed me to fully do what I truly wanted to do. But I am older and a bit wiser now, and have freedom I didn’t have when I was younger. I am on my own, and to me that’s all I need, that’s all I need since it’s all I ever had. I guess that’s part of the reason why I created this blog, to somewhat redeem myself and rediscover my love for music in a new way. Here’s another video that gives me major throwback and reminds me of why I love music in the first place. I remember studying Nat King Cole in 5th grade and I was mesmerized by the song “Unforgettable”. This is a performance by Jasmine Trias singing “Unforgettable” who appeared on American Idol. Hope ya’ll enjoy.

 

Letter To You

It’s been a long time coming. It’s almost humbling to see how far I’ve come. Soon I will be graduating college this semester with a B.A. in Sociology and I recently decided that I will be spending more time on music in spite of my parents’ truest expectations of me along with the stigma that is often attached to pursuing music. When I come across something like a video, a quote, or even a person who inspires me, I am almost convinced things happen for a reason and that someone is watching over me.

I think about where I started, when I felt like a lost teenager entering into adulthood, who dropped out of college took a break from both school and work Fall of 2016 to.. do some soul searching. Even though I felt as though those around doubted me, I still fought to build the strength and courage to believe in myself. To believe in my interests, passions, abilities, tastes, and most importantly, my vision. I think about the struggle I endured and I wouldn’t trade positions with anybody else in the world. Two years later, I could say I am filled with more knowledge, insight, and most importantly, perspective, about where I stand today and where I want to be in the future. I have a long way to go, but I am glad I have carved a path for myself that I feel more confident to pursue. I don’t know exactly where it will take me or where I will be, but I know I’ll be where I ought to be. Though I had moments of strengths, I had just twice as many moments of weaknesses. I remember those times so vividly when I felt so low I didn’t see the potential in myself, but I am writing this today to remind my future self that the most precious diamonds are made under the greatest pressure, and without the right discipline and sacrifice I have much more to lose. When the going gets tough, I just have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with being passionate about what you love and believe in, that I just have to keep believing in myself even when no one else does. For me, it has and will always be music. My love for music was one of the reasons I created this blog site, to share and inspire others with my love for soul-touching music.

Music was there all along when no one else was and for that sole reason, I will continue to dedicate my life learning it. They say that self- confidence is the key to success, but they don’t tell you the process and journey it remotely comes with to even get there. I just have to trust in myself, in the process, and most importantly, in God’s plans. Here is to a new chapter, here’s to my #futureself.